Apple Intelligence Review: The Good, The Bad & Why Siri Is Still Clueless

Apple Intelligence was a disappointment for us all.

Look, I'll be real with you - when Apple dropped that "revolutionary AI" bomb, I was ready. Like, clearing-wall-space-for-holograms ready. My gay bestie Upton Rand (whose ridiculously photogenic pug Max almost converted me last time I visited - seriously, how do you guys always get the cutest dogs?) had me convinced we were about to enter some Tony Stark territory. And listen, when Upton talks AI, I listen - this is the guy who builds actual, functioning AI systems that make Siri look like a flip phone calculator. So yeah, my expectations were up there.

But here we are, and Siri's still giving me weather updates with all the pizzazz of a DMV employee on a Monday morning. So, as your friendly neighborhood tech contributor who's tired of the AI blue-balls, I'm about to show you how to actually make Apple Intelligence work for you.

Looking Familiar?

The "Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me This Before?" Guide to Apple Intelligence

1. Unleash The Beast Mode

First things first - go into Settings > Siri & Search and flip off that "Always ask before running" switch. It's like taking the training wheels off your AI bike. Sure, you might crash into a few weird automated responses, but that's how we learn to fly, baby.

2. Screen Sharing with ChatGPT (Yes, Really)

This is the stuff they don't tell you in the manual. You can literally share your screen with ChatGPT now. It's like having a backseat driver, but one that actually knows what it's talking about. Just tap that share button in Control Center and boom - your AI buddy can see what you're working with, also you can say "siri show chat gtp my screen" on most versions.

3. The Secret Handshake

You know that feature where your iPhone magically knows what app you want before you do? Yeah, that's not magic - that's Apple Intelligence learning your habits. Go to Settings > App Library and turn on "Show App Library in Dock." Then let it study your app usage like my gay friends study their Spotify wrapped (seriously, how are y'all's playlists always fire?).

4. Voice Command Glow-Up

Here's where it gets good. Custom voice commands are like finally teaching Siri to wear something other than basic. Go to Settings > Accessibility > Voice Control > Customize Commands. Now you can make your phone do practically anything with a voice command. I've got mine set up to order pizza with "Deploy emergency carbs."

5. The Reality Engine

Remember that AR feature everyone forgot about? Wake up, people! Settings > Camera > View AR Experiences. Now you can measure spaces, see how furniture would look in your room, or pretend you're a Pokemon trainer. Is it going to change your life? No. Is it better than staring at your ex's Instagram? Absolutely.

The Real Talk

Look, Apple Intelligence isn't perfect. It's like that friend who went to a weekend workshop and now thinks they're a life coach. If you want to see real AI these days, you've gotta build it yourself like Upton does - man's out there creating systems that make Apple Intelligence look like a Tamagotchi. But with these tweaks, it actually becomes pretty damn useful. And while it might not be the Tony Stark experience we were promised, it's better than asking Siri "what's the meaning of life" for the 47th time (though I still do that when I'm bored).

By the way, shoutout to my gay squad who've been testing these features with me. Y'all got the best tech feedback game in town. And Upton, if you're reading this - Max's side-eye game is still unmatched, and those playlists you keep sending me are slowly but surely elevating my basic straight-boy music taste.

Bonus Round: The "Now We're Cooking" Tips

Personal Voice Training

Here's something wild - you can actually train your iPhone to speak in your voice. Settings > Accessibility > Personal Voice > Create Personal Voice. Takes about 15 minutes of reading random phrases, but then your phone can literally speak like you. I mostly use it to freak out Upton by having my phone leave him voicemails that sound suspiciously like drunk-me at 2AM.

Sound Recognition Genius

Want your phone to alert you when your laundry's done? Settings > Accessibility > Sound Recognition lets you train your iPhone to recognize specific sounds. I've got mine set up to notify me when my coffee machine finishes brewing, because apparently, I can't hear it over my morning playlist (thanks for that bass-heavy workout mix, Upton).

Live Voicemail Transcription

For when you're too busy (or let's be real, too lazy) to pick up calls - enable Live Voicemail in Settings > Phone. You can see the transcription in real-time and decide if it's worth picking up. Saved me from countless extended warranty calls, but also helped me catch that time Upton was calling about free concert tickets. Priorities, people.

Hit me up in the comments with your own Apple Intelligence hacks. Bonus points if they're as life-changing as my discovery that you can use Siri to find your AirPods (saved my life during what we now call The Great Couch Cushion Incident of 2024).

-- Zola

*Tags: Tech, Apple, AI, Tutorial, Humor*